More often than not, I will get an email each day from someone in the world who is asking some version of the question, ‘How to get back my ex boyfriend when he’s ignoring me ?’
Whilst this varies from gender to gender and the context may occasionally be different, the general state a lot of people are left in after a breakup is wanting to know HOW to get their ex boyfriend or girlfriend back. And to make it harder, how do they do that when their ex is ignoring them?
It’s what I would call a ‘ripe for clickbait’ topic. You will see countless content online spinning out plans, checklists and waiting time periods to get him or her back.
As the goal of my business is to provide advice that is genuinely helpful to you during what is likely the most painful time of your life, and as I know this is a question that comes up time and again, I wanted to put my thoughts down around this topic. I hope you find it helpful.
Why your ex-boyfriend might be ignoring you
I wrote recently about when an ex goes cold, and what it means for you and him.
Your ex might be ignoring you for a host of reasons:
- He’s met someone else
- He can’t face your pain, and the fact that he put you in it
- He is forcing himself into a state of total denial to avoid feeling his own pain
- He’s gone on a quick rebound fling
At the end of the day, it’s not about getting anything from him in order for you to feel like you can start to move on.
In much the same way here, your ex is ignoring you for reasons that relate to HIM, and him alone.
You may be left feeling completely clueless and emotionally wrecked. You might struggle to understand why this kind, generous, funny and sensitive person you spent years with has suddenly changed into someone you no longer recognise.
Perhaps you used to talk together about how much breakups sucked. You may have rehashed your horror stories about your respective exes, and if ANYONE knew how much it hurt, it was him?! How can he then go on to do the very same thing to you?
Your ex-boyfriend is not ignoring you. He’s ignoring the reality of the situation you are both in, and what the perceived behaviour should be between the two of you during this time.
Why it stings so much
In case you hadn’t noticed, I am passionate about sticking up for anyone going through a breakup. It is truly the most awful, debilitating and consuming pain a person can go through.
Dreams and futures are shattered, trust is gone, and depression sets in. Hope can also evaporate for any chance at making it with anyone ever again.
Using that as your baseline pain, the person and their literal personality you thought they held often tends to vanish. Add that pain on top, and you now get a sense of why it stings so much. You expect them to be the same person breaking up with you as they were when they were in the relationship with you.
Does the person match the crime?
What I mean by that is, if you were with someone who was anything between emotionally disconnected, immature, cold or avoidant during your relationship, then it would be an unrealistic expectation from you for them to behave any differently after the breakup.
In most cases, I sadly hear of, it’s more like your ex-boyfriend was ‘James’. He was the funniest, kindest and most thoughtful person. He knew what upset you in life, and he knew how much pain he inflicted on you when he ended the relationship.
Therefore, why the hell is he not being ‘James’ during this breakup. For example, answering your messages, returning your calls, listening to you ask him questions about the ‘why?’
It’s why we so often hear the phrase ‘I barely even recognise him anymore’ after a breakup.
You’ve not just lost your partner, your routine and your vision for your shared life together – you’ve lost who you thought he was. This really, really stings.
Asking, how to get back my ex boyfriend when he’s ignoring me
If you ever find yourself typing the question ‘how to get my ex back, even when he’s ignoring me?’ online, proceed with caution.
The vulnerability, desperate hope and pain a person is feeling when they ask this makes them ripe for the picking and being sold a lot of BS.
If you are asking this question with the genuine intention of wanting to get your ex back, and it is for the right reasons, your best chance at doing so is by exhibiting any and all of the behaviours below.
Here are four things you can try.
1. Go quiet and try no contact
You can’t miss what you haven’t lost, and nothing is truer after a breakup. I’ve written before about how surprised we can be at the pain we feel when we have initiated the breakup ourselves. Instead of feeling relief at it being done, grief and loneliness can come in very fast.
It’s possible your ex is feeling this himself, and if you want to give him a chance to actually FEEL your absence and observe and experience his life WITHOUT you in it, then YOU have to be gone. YOU have to be absent.
2. Stay calm, not chaotic
You might have heard the expression ‘there’s confusion in chaos’. Breakups are typically not a time of calm and serenity. But that doesn’t mean they have to be riddled with chaos and drama either.
Whatever has or hasn’t happened, you need to stick to the facts of the breakup. Remind yourself why it has happened, and staying on your own side of the street for a while is going to fast-track you through the early breakup waters. But it’s also going to provide clarity on what you want to do next (if anything).
3. Release the need for control
Control is a state I speak about again and again. It’s the thing we crave after a breakup. And it’s the thing we feel we’ve lost when the other person has chosen to break the relationship.
You can’t control what he does next. And you can’t control your oversight of what he is and isn’t doing.
Roll your eyes at me if you will, but the only thing you can control right now is your own behaviour. Eat right, exercise, talk, sleep, grieve and go through your breakup in all the ways I talk about. That’s about you and your recovery, not controlling his decisions on whether he will or won’t ‘pick you’.
4. Stop the drama spiral
Think back to what you actually WANT. Do you want to get over your breakup and the pain, or do you want him back?
The great news is that the same path is taken for reaching either outcome. By sticking to taking the right actions and behaviours that ease you through the early breakup waters, remaining no contact and releasing your need for control or answers, you reach a new baseline.
If there’s any chance of him coming back, it’s by you exhibiting this.
What not to do when he’s ignoring you
Someone ignoring you is not about you. It’s about them and what they feel they are comfortable with facing after a breakup.
You asked ‘how to get my ex boyfriend back, even when he’s ignoring me?’. Your ex ‘ignoring’ you after a breakup may feel like throwing gasoline on your baseline of fire-riddled pain, but it’s not the worst thing for you.
You staying in contact with someone who perhaps has no intention of getting back together with you isn’t kind or hopeful – it’s cruel. Expecting someone who is ‘ignoring’ you to combust into a kind, open and communicative state is unrealistic.
Don’t beg. Don’t demand answers. And don’t stalk. Remember – the answers are in your question!
If he is ignoring you, he doesn’t want to speak with you or be with you right now, and the best thing you can do is respect that – even if HIS behaviour is a long way from respectful.
What to do if he keeps ignoring you after the breakup
Discipline is a muscle, and like any muscle we want to build and strengthen, we have to use it regularly and add weight to it.
Your ex ignoring you after the breakup is going to feel heavy, uncomfortable and painful, much like weight building at the start.
However, every moment where you don’t react to your feelings of pain and hurt around him, ignoring you (like firing off an angry message or going down a rabbit hole of online stalking to figure out a new ‘why?’) is a WIN.
It’s detachment in action. And you simply acknowledge the pain in your proverbial muscle from his ignoring you and lift anyway.
How to get your ex boyfriend back when he’s ignoring you FAQs
Your broken-hearted brain constantly searches for answers and meaning when your ex is ignoring you. Let’s answer some of those questions below.
What if I can’t stop texting him even when he ignores me?
We all like to think that we’d never be the person to do this – desperately firing off message after message, only to be ignored.
The reality is that many of us (me included) have been so blindsided, shocked and baffled at our exes behaviour that we need answers.
Soon enough, I think you will realise that you are trying to seek water from a dry well. And the answers are not going to come from him.
Seeing how you are being met with silence IS your answer to whatever you are trying to ask him in your texts. Put your phone down and bring it back to you.
What if I’ve apologised and he still keeps ignoring me?
Whether you need to apologise or not, you can’t get what you need from a source that isn’t willing to give.
Whether you are seeking forgiveness or are desperately confused and hope an apology will open up some sort of dialogue, someone will talk to you if they want to.
If they continue to ignore you, respect that. If you’ve dealt with your side of the street (by apologising) you need to leave the rest out of your hands.
He flirts with me, then ignores me after – what does it mean?
I once had an ex who came in and out of my life, and I always remember something my mother said. ‘Georgina, he’s like a cat playing with a mouse before he kills it’. Points to my mum for this expression because it’s the perfect saying for you right now.
We spend so much time being confused after a breakup, but the reality is we don’t need to be. Someone who flirts with you, then ignores you afterwards, is testing what power he has. And how you respond, ultimately showing him how susceptible you are to his manipulation.
If you can enact any type of ‘indifference’ to this behaviour, then you are beating your breakup and your ex at his own game.
Final thoughts
I am now married to a wonderful man, but I need only close my eyes and remember my worst breakups and the pain that accompanied them.
The pain is almost visceral. And it’s probably why I feel so much empathy and compassion for others going through the same thing.
Along with the pain of my past breakups was SO much confusion and desperation at how my ex had behaved. And if there’s one thing I wish for how I might have handled my breakups differently, it would have been to take the need away for answers and communication from the same source that had broken me.
It is my same wish for you. The answers are nearly always in the questions that you are asking. And going down the rabbit hole of craving answers and communication from him for you to be able to feel like you can move on is such wasted time.
Do the right things, and you can move through this period with so much more grace and hope than you ever thought possible. I’m always here to help.
Georgina x