I think if there’s one major state we can all say we find ourselves in after a breakup, it’s isolation. The intimacy of a romantic relationship creates your own mini world with another person. A world marked by habits, routines, markers, and comforts that only you and they exist in.
Even if you keep a social circle strong during your relationship and continue to regularly see family or whoever else you consider to be an integral part of your life, the ending of a relationship actually ends a world and an existence that only YOU experienced. It’s incredibly difficult to come out of this place. And despite your phone maybe lighting up with love and support after a breakup from those around you who care, it can still feel like you don’t even know how to begin a new life without them.
As you know from my writing, I often roll my eyes at a lot of the cliché breakup advice out there. And a major driving force for me starting my business was to ensure people going through this profoundly difficult time didn’t have to hear it anymore.
What does support look like
The importance of having support after a breakup is genuinely crucial, but it doesn’t always have to look the way you typically imagine.
Some of us don’t have loads of friends or deeply supportive and compassionate families. Some of us have never felt more alone, more isolated, or more removed socially than ever before. So where are we supposed to turn for finding support post-breakup?
It would be very easy to write an article on how to build a support system after a breakup if we all had a host of people just waiting in the wings to help. That isn’t the reality for many. So what do you do?
You turn to yourself, first and foremost. Sometimes we can all have a real problem advocating for ourselves. We hate ourselves after a breakup, we rake ourselves over the proverbial coals, punishing ourselves and looking for any and all signs that we are to blame for this ending. And that it’s only sure to happen again and again in the future.
The first way to ensure you have emotional support after heartbreak is to decide in a moment that you will be there for yourself. This is true regardless of how your social setup looks. That you get out of your own self-hating head and put yourself in the position of your own best friend and protector. Self-talk, self-compassion, and purposeful time focused on you will always, always be better than the ideal best friend or perfect family.
Why? Because you are always there, always available, and always dependable to be there in an instant. This is the bedrock for building a support system post-breakup.
Why Support Systems Matter
Support systems are crucial after a breakup. Not only can they bring a sense of emotional stability after genuine emotional chaos, but having a social support system prevents you from isolating yourself and encourages you to get out of your head, your house, and your miserable existence to share with someone else.
When I went through some of my own breakups in the past, I found this area really tough. I had wonderful, amazing friends. Yet, so many of them were in long-term, happy relationships, whilst I seemed to be the friend who lurched from one failed ‘situationship’ to the next. My family, whilst desperately sad to watch me going through something like this again, also ran out of words when the weeks went by and I still felt as rubbish. Nothing felt MORE isolating than having that kind of network in place. The feeling that they couldn’t help me was hard, which is why utilising diverse breakup support strategies is so important.
Here’s 5 things to consider when finding support system post-breakup.
1. Identifying Supportive People
This is where I hope I can be of help to you. Don’t feel ashamed, embarrassed, or even more depressed that you might not have a great supportive network around you. You also may feel worse and guilty that you DO have genuinely supportive people around you.
But they are not ‘right’ for this problem you are facing, and the host of awful feelings you have as a result.
Start with yourself. Connect with people online. I found tremendous relief and support after a breakup, writing on forums or to coaches and their readership community. I never read kinder or more compassionate words that I kept with me during this time, people who were also going through the same thing and knew the horrible world I was living in at that time. Additionally, I devoured books, connected with YouTube channels, and then decided… why not do this myself?
One amazing quote I read by someone was:
“You do not have to be fully healed to help someone, but by helping someone, you heal completely”.
That is SO true for this period in your life – and remember it is just that…. a period. Don’t be afraid of seeking help after a breakup; sometimes the help you seek is simply connecting with shared experience.
2. Strengthening Connections
You don’t need to deep clean your apartment, buy new sheets, or get a new haircut (although you could do all those things, and there certainly can be relief in doing so). Decide where you are TODAY and express to yourself your own needs clearly. Isolation is not your friend, so you start with the self-talk, and then you focus on building OUT.
What do you connect with?
For me, it was starting swimming again, meditating, reading, and connecting with readers on a forum for a website dedicated to relationships and how to recover from tough endings. If you are fortunate to have friends and family support after a breakup, remember that strengthening relationships after a breakup involves honest communication about your needs. Don’t do positive self-talk, as it can feel disingenuous. Sometimes, it’s best to just meet yourself exactly where you are on a single day and take it a step at a time.
3. Finding New Communities
New communities can be found in the strangest places – it doesn’t have to be at a tennis club or yoga class like cliché society would tell us. You could start joining support groups after a breakup in your area, or you could volunteer at a rest home so you are not spending every Sunday afternoon alone.
Connect, build, and get out of your own head, this doesn’t need to be a time of intense social activity. Get excited to download a new book, try to make every activity you do focused on an element of emotional nutrition, which benefits you in some way, even if you initially hate every step at first.
Remember that these are all valuable breakup support strategies.
4. Balancing Independence and Support
Relying on others through this time will help you tremendously, but I don’t think I need to write an article explaining this.
The point of this blog post is for those of you who are alone who feel your support network (existing or otherwise) is not ‘cut out’ to help you with this, to know that you can get all the support, growth, and care from yourself. This is an essential step in building a support system after a breakup. I have a host of tips, resources, and things that helped me personally, so please subscribe to my email list to get these if you would like.
5. Conclusion
Building a support system post-breakup is not just about relying on others; it’s about making a conscious decision to nurture your own well-being. And this could involve actively seeking help after a breakup from a variety of sources, including yourself.
Whether you utilise existing friends and family support after a breakup or find new connections through online communities, every step you take to find support post-breakup contributes to your healing. Reassure yourself that building these connections, both internal and external, is a key part of moving forward and creating a new world for yourself.