I often write about how the answer to your question is in the question. If you’re starting from a point of confusion, ambiguity or stress about where you are finding yourself then you already have more power than you think for gaining the clarity you are seeking – and let’s be honest, few things can feel more confusing or anxiety-inducing than wondering if you are in a ‘situationship’.
After all – you’ve met someone, and the connection feels great. You’re dating, messaging, and making plans. You start to feel hopeful that this could be it — the end of your single life. But as time goes on, a nagging feeling starts to creep in. You realise that while you’re doing all the things a couple would do, something is just…off. This is the heart of the modern dating dilemma known as a situationship.
Breaking it down…
Whilst the language seems very Sex and the City-esque and I can just imagine Carrie Bradshaw typing that as she blows cigarette smoke out the window, it is in fact, very relatable to all of us, and there is often no different path you could have taken in the dating journey to prevent this from happening.
In many ways, the dating period is meant to be temporary. I am a big believer that what most of us really want is certainty, a clear path toward a committed relationship, but a situationship leaves you in an emotional and relational limbo, forcing you to constantly question where you stand.
You may find yourself over-analysing every text message, every action, and every conversation, trying to figure out what you did wrong. The truth is, the confusion you’re feeling is a key sign in and of itself.
What is a situationship?
A situationship is a romantic connection that exists without clear labels or commitment. It’s more than casual dating but less than a defined relationship.
While you might engage in behaviors that look like a relationship, regular contact, dates, physical intimacy, and even meeting friends, there is no mutual understanding of a shared future.
The rise of situationships is often a product of modern dating culture, fueled by dating apps and a general fear of commitment. People are looking for emotional and physical closeness without the responsibility and vulnerability that a true relationship requires.
This can leave one person feeling insecure and questioning their own worth, while the other enjoys the benefits of a partnership without having to put in the work.
Signs you might be in a situationship
If you’re unsure about where you stand, here are some of the most common signs you might be in a situationship.
- You don’t have a label. One of the most obvious signs is the lack of a clear title. You might be “hanging out” or “seeing each other,” but the idea of defining the relationship (DTR) is avoided or makes them uncomfortable.
- Inconsistent communication. The communication is a constant rollercoaster. They text you regularly one day, then disappear for days at a time. This hot-and-cold behavior keeps you guessing and creates anxiety.
- No talk of a shared future. Your conversations are always about the present, never about the future. You might talk about what you’re doing this weekend, but there’s no discussion of plans a month from now, let alone bigger life goals.
- Physical intimacy without emotional clarity. The connection is often built on physical and sexual chemistry rather than deep emotional intimacy. You may feel comfortable getting physical, but struggle to have vulnerable conversations about your feelings, hopes, and fears.
- The relationship is compartmentalised. They don’t introduce you to their friends or family, or you may feel like they are hiding you from certain parts of their life. This is a sign that they don’t see you as an integrated part of their world.
- The dynamic is static. A healthy relationship progresses over time, hitting milestones like meeting family or going on trips together. In a situationship, things often remain at a standstill for months, or even years, without any real growth or evolution.
Why situationships happen
Falling into a situationship can have significant emotional effects – I know it did for me. The constant ambiguity and lack of security can lead to increased anxiety, stress, and self-doubt. You may find yourself replaying conversations and searching for clues, which can be so mentally and emotionally draining.
It’s easy to feel embarrassed or ashamed, as if you did something wrong. You might feel like you’ve been “chosen” for an undefined, non-committal arrangement rather than a genuine relationship. This can chip away at your self-esteem and make you question your own value as a partner.
It’s so important to remember that this isn’t a reflection of who you are; it’s a reflection of their inability or unwillingness to commit, and how does that make any of this about you?
How situationships affect you
It’s very easy for someone to tell you what to do when they’re in a safe, secure relationship themselves. But for so many of us in our 20s and early 30s, this is exactly the scenario we’ve been in.
I can’t tell you how much time I wasted in my own dating life, constantly finding myself in that awful corridor of uncertainty. On one end was a proper relationship, and on the other was being single. I was so terrified of hearing what I didn’t want to hear that I never had the courage to ask where things were going. Instead, I just waited, hoping that the person I was dating would choose to make us official. The waiting was agony.
Not only did I waste time with someone who was never going to be my person, but I wasted countless hours with my friends, endlessly analysing every text and conversation, trying to figure out if I was overthinking things.
I’d write and re-write text messages to them, trying to find the perfect way to ask for clarity without sounding “too much” or “too desperate.” In the end, I usually never sent them. I stayed stuck, and the fear of asking for what I wanted was always worse than the simple truth.
What to do if you think you’re in a situationship
If you’ve identified these signs and realise you’re in a situationship that isn’t meeting your needs, the first and most important step is to ask yourself what you truly want. Don’t focus on what they want or what they might do, focus on you. Yes I know, it’s easy for me to say that, but you have absolutely no power in getting them to commit to you if you’ve shown up with genuine authenticity and they are not reciprocating.
Once you have clarity, the best action is to have an honest conversation. It’s easy to think that asking for a “label” will scare them away, but their reaction will give you the answer you already suspect. If they can’t meet your need for commitment, it’s a clear signal that this isn’t the right connection for you – it really is that simple.
What you are fearing happening is ALREADY HAPPENING to take yourself out of that corridor of uncertainty, because that is where you only have misery and anxiety for company.
Taking this step can be scary, but it puts the power back in your hands. You are no longer waiting to be chosen; you are making a choice for yourself. It’s a powerful act of self-respect to walk away from a dynamic that doesn’t serve you and create space for a relationship that is aligned with your values and desires.
Conclusion
Ultimately, situationships can be painful, but they are also powerful learning experiences. You’re not at fault for the confusion; what you choose to do next is what truly matters.
Instead of waiting for someone else to give you what you want, you can make the choice to find a connection with someone who is ready to be a partner, not just a situation.
I think back to my life with my husband now and all the challenges and tough life experiences we have been through together – he is a true partner and confidant to me, and his commitment to me was evident from the start.
It didn’t mean I didn’t have to ask a few questions to clarify what we both wanted at the start/middle of dating, but the answer I got was clear. If you are asking this question, think about all the things you want in a partner as you navigate the inevitable challenges you will face together. If he’s in, he’s in – the answer should always be clear.
Do any of these signs resonate with your current dating life? Let me know.
Georgie x