It doesn’t matter how far you are in your recovery following a breakup – knowing what to say when an ex reaches out is a moment that defines a lot of things that are to follow.
Responding to an ex who reaches out can feel like a make or break moment when you are in it. Your mind races at a million miles a minute wondering ‘why’ he is reaching out. We rehearse potential scenarios in our heads, assume something has gone wrong. Or maybe he is desperately lonely and regretting the breakup.
I’ve helped hundreds of clients (and friends before I turned Beat Your Breakup into a business) navigate this moment. And it really is just that – a moment. Yet where you let your mind and imagination go with this single point of contact can play a pivotal role in how you choose to respond after no contact.
So, they’ve made contact
For every article I write, coaching call I go on, or close friend I console during a breakup, I always keep one thing in mind for them – a state of recovery following the process that is a breakup. My words, voice and mindset have to focus on that being met, and that sometimes means hearing or reading things you don’t want to.
When you receive a message from an ex after no contact, you need to place alongside the feelings of possible giddiness, excitement, curiosity or righteousness a strong dose of reality.
Think about a time you actively broke up with someone and the pain surprised you. You wanted out, so you didn’t think the loneliness would hurt so much. That life would feel as empty and aimless as it did.
Think how easy it is to dip into the comfort and familiarity of your ex being in your life. That boost of confidence, a void being taped over, an avoidance of the pain you are feeling. It’s all about you and your feelings in that moment – something being met, without any consideration for the person.
My story…
Many years ago, I went through a very messy and painful breakup. After months of no contact, my ex reached out on classic Christmas Day. He sent a short message of ‘Merry Christmas I hope you are having a wonderful day x’. You can only imagine where my mind went – ‘Christmas with his partner must be awful if he’s messaging me!’, ‘I need to speak to the girls about this and see what they think’, ‘he’s definitely having regrets because Christmas is a day focused on family’ and ‘I wonder what happens next?’.
Of all the thoughts that derailed me the most, it was the last one. ‘I wonder what happens next?’ And you know what happened next? Nothing.
I spent hours crafting a reply, only to get another totally noncommittal response the following afternoon. Weeks went by of me bracing and wondering, only for precisely NOTHING to land. My point? What felt like a lazy, easy moment for my ex (who may or may not have been having an awful Christmas) passed probably as quickly as it took for him to draft the awe-inspiring message.
Me? I lost weeks in my recovery going backwards. I was imagining scenarios which were never feasible and setting myself back.
Why is my ex reaching out?
I could write hundreds of words about what the common reasons are for your ex reaching out. Regardless of your type of breakup, the person they are or the circumstances with your ex which led to your breakup, it is common for any of us to feel loneliness, grief or curiosity following. Depending on how much the other person may have hurt you, it’s also very common for them to wonder if they can absolve their own guilt.
You landed on my site because you are in pain. And if the chance of having a genuinely healthy, committed and respectful relationship with your ex has proved to be unavailable, you need to focus on what you want out of your life. You need to weigh that up against the contact they have just made.
We are all human and we all cave and we have all responded to a text like that at one point or another in our lives. The reality is that the text never launched a blooming new and beautiful relationship with our ex. It only fucked with our heads and set us back.
An ex reaching out does not automatically justify a response from you. The context is king with all actions following a breakup. Think how easy, quick and lazy it is to reach out to an ex nowadays with the plethora of technology, especially a text. My take on it is that unless your ex is coming forward with something very significant, meaningful and which will put YOU forwards, then don’t respond. Your emotional safety hinges on staying in your own lane.
How to ground yourself before responding
The ‘power of the pause’ is something I cite a lot. I am typically a reactive, impatient and curious person and patience is definitely not a virtue I possess!
Relying on this advice is something I dole out to myself as much as I do clients. And never is it more important than when an ex reaches out.
Read the contact from your ex and pause. Is it significant? Is it leaving you wanting more? Are you curious that there is more?
Examine your triggers from there. Are you hopeful for reconciliation? What do you want to come out of this? Do you want to get back together because they are genuinely the right person for you to have a healthy committed relationship with? Or do you just want to feel better than how you feel right now?
We are ALL human as I wrote above. And it would be totally insincere for me to pretend like I sailed through this moment perfectly with my ex partners, and put my phone on the table and carried on with my life.
I probably nearly always responded. And I never ended up with any of them in a capacity that bettered my life.
My hope for you is that I can guide you through this seminal moment having made my own mistakes. And with the near 20:20 vision that is hindsight, know that you need support in this moment to examine what it means for you.
Should you even reply?
Type, delete. Retype, delete. Put phone down, pick it up again. Too long a message, too keen. Too short, do I sound mean?
Sound familiar? That’s my brain as I sit typing my reply following contact from an ex. You know what? If I had truly healed in that time of responding, I wouldn’t be doing any of that silly nonsense with the ‘perfect reply’.
Ask yourself the simple question when your ex reaches out. Is this contact helpful or harmful to my progress? Even if it’s helpful, does that warrant me responding?
Silence is a superpower that you gift yourself when you are going through a breakup. Because it then makes your breakup and the recovery of your heart yours and yours alone. You focus on YOU – choosing for YOU when you perhaps you didn’t get to choose your relationship ending, or your ex being who they are.
Engaging in communication makes it about them. Suddenly, you are wondering what they are doing, what they are thinking, what their next move might be.
If you want to respond: What to say based on the situation
Let’s go back to being realistic about this type of contact and what you are going to do next. I think there are different ways to respond to different possible meanings with the contact. And if I were guiding you personally on any of them, I’d say something similar to this:
- If you’re open to friendly contact: ‘I’m open to friendly contact between the two of us, but it’s important for both of us to be clear about what that is. I don’t want the boundaries being overstepped, so let’s see how we get on and if I think it is or isn’t working for me’.
- If You Want Closure: ‘It would be really helpful for me to understand XYZ so that I can move forward. It’d difficult for me not having XYZ and in order for me/both of us to move on properly, can we discuss XYZ’.
- If You’re Not Interested in Any Contact: “I appreciate not being in contact is hard for both of us. But it does neither of us any good remaining in contact. Our relationship is over, and I need to focus on moving forward with my life. It’s best for both of us not having any contact.
- If You’re Tempted to Rekindle, But Unsure: ‘This breakup has been really painful, but I’m still unsure if that means our relationship was meant to be or not. I think we need to have some really meaningful conversations about what rekindling our relationship might look like and what needs to change/work. I’m still not sure but we could have a conversation about where both of us are at.’
You’ll notice here the responses are short, firm, calm and emotionally honest. Whichever path or outcome you are hoping for, it won’t be met by engaging in back and forth lazy online communication. Keep it short and sweet to either shut it down. Or move forward to a more significant communication setting.
What not to say
It’s so easy when an ex reaches out to either respond with sarcasm and bitterness. Or go straight into emotional dumping territory by telling them everything you are thinking and feeling as a result of the breakup.
Regardless of what happened with your ex and how you choose to respond, don’t rehash the past with them unless you want to engage in that way. Anything significant or meaningful will not be found between the two of you by going full throttle on a messaging function.
Final thoughts from someone who’s been there
I’m aware that this topic is one that is so very easy to advise on when you are not in it yourself. We all know that we are not supposed to respond when an ex reaches out, yet the reality is nearly all of us do.
I hope that this advice is realistic. And that it covers all angles of what it does and doesn’t mean when an ex reaches out after no contact.
Given that responding is the route many of us take when an ex reaches out, it’s important for you to remember that responding doesn’t mean reopening the relationship. It’s really, really hard to hold boundaries. But the clue is in their name, they are MEANT to be solid and reinforce unwanted forces, but your healing depends on it.
One of my favourite sayings from my wise mother is, ‘You always have choices in life’. And you know what? You really do. The one thing you can ALWAYS choose is your response to a situation, whether it is unwanted or not. You always have the choice to make a decision or take an action that honours and empowers your growth following a breakup.
I’ve been there many, many times. I know how agonisingly hard it is. And how much hope can flood your body when an ex reaches out.
It is my hope that I can help guide you to take realistic actions. And that you can find recovery from this pain, and a feeling of near indifference toward your ex.
The ex I used to fantasise about when I was drafting my reply that Christmas? I couldn’t even remember his last name the other day. It’s amazing where your mind and life can go by taking small, actionable changes. It finally puts YOU in a position of power.