Sometimes I think we live in an age of too much information. A world where we rely so much on external confirmation and validation for a situation we’ve found ourselves in. Our intuition and gut might be telling us something all along. Yet the world of dating can feel so confusing that the only way for us to feel like we can get a genuine answer is by asking others.
It might seem ironic for me to write that, considering I have a business that directly helps people with this area and these types of questions. But I believe a lot of the time we have lost our ability to call things for what they are. When people ask me about the difference between being in the friend zone or taking it slow, there’s usually a baseline of anxiety already operating.
Once again, there’s a position of power on the other side of the table and you’re sitting in a corridor of uncertainty.
Friendzoning vs taking it slow
The difference between friendzoning versus taking it slow can be boiled down to actions and communication. While the actions can look similar for both (spending time together, not jumping into physical and sexual intimacy), the difference is the communication. Taking it slow is embarking on something with clear communication as to the why.
People often overestimate how ready they are for genuine commitment. When the initial thrill of dating starts to dampen and the responsibilities that accompany commitment and actions matching words start to add up.
It’s a lot like deciding you want to lose weight and getting a gym membership on New Year’s Day. It feels great at the start, but getting up early day after day to go to the gym doesn’t. You snooze the alarm, and thoughts of what you thought you wanted suddenly don’t seem as important. Taking it slow is letting the person know the why. “I’m wanting to take it slow because…” Friendzoning. However, means you’re just taking the actions of dating, but the communication around the lack of progression drops.
What does ‘friendzoning’ really mean?
Anyone can set out with the best of intentions when it comes to dating. Something can feel genuinely great at the beginning, and the thrill of matching on emotional values and life goals is hard to beat. However, when it comes to friendzoning, that’s where it stops. Everything which could make for a great relationship stops without that added level of romantic intimacy and attraction.
Without that layer, things generally come to a standstill. Romantic intention is what carries it over the finish line.
One of my greatest friends to this day is someone I dated for four weeks after the end of a very painful breakup. He was warm, interesting, successful, genuinely fun to be around, and easy to talk to, on top of being physically attractive. I simply couldn’t carry it over into romantic territory. Despite knowing we would have had a great life together and it would have meant the end of dating misery.
What does ‘taking it slow’ mean in dating?
Taking it slow in dating means building a strong emotional connection before physical intimacy. We all come to the relationship table with different backgrounds, exes, and emotional baggage. The lines become blurred and intentions can get misconstrued when sex and physical intimacy set the tone early on.
It can be a lot easier to lay out why you want to take things slow when sex. And physical intimacy have not yet entered the picture.
Key differences between friendzoning and taking it slow
The key difference between friendzoning and taking it slow is action matching words.
If you’re taking it slow, you’ve set out your why for the pace, whatever that might be. It could be life commitments, past baggage, emotional caution. Or even wanting to see the potential relationship for what it really could be without sex setting the tone.
Friendzoning tends to mean being in a state of confusion because communication has broken down. Maybe it didn’t happen at the beginning. Or there was clear communication, and the action is no longer matching up. Communication and progression are the key markers of a relationship. And you need to look at both areas to ensure it’s going in the direction that you want.
How to get clarity without pushing him away
We all want a magic formula, or for our situation to be an exception to the rules. But it really is quite simple. Setting out at the beginning what you are looking for creates your baseline of expectation. From there, you can observe via a credit and debit system how it’s progressing through both of your actions and willingness to show up.
This doesn’t need to be a time of delivering hard expectations and monitoring behavior obsessively. But it is a time for gentle communication and generally keeping your eyes and ears open. None of us are perfect; we all have our own fears and insecurities, but revealing them in a gentle capacity will not mean chasing the “right” person away.
When it’s time to move on
The answer is always in your question. If you’re sending a three-meter-long text message, chatting consistently with your friends, or feeling confused, it often boils down to him sending mixed signals for too long. You feeling drained, confused, or disrespected IS your answer. And a lot of the time, you don’t need to go asking him in order for you to get your answer.
I laugh when I think back to being in an office at work. I’d send screenshots to my close girlfriends of drafted three-meter text messages asking for clarity on “us,” and then waiting for a response.
Conclusion
It’s completely okay to want clarity and not settle for uncertainty. When I met my husband, I was scared to air all the questions, fears, and insecurities. I had accumulated worries from my past dating experiences.
Yet I knew that doing so in the right way was key for me to have a healthy relationship moving forward. And if it wasn’t going to work with him because of any of these things I asked or needed, then he wasn’t the right person for me.
I know that sort of advice can feel really cliché and twee, it’s the sort of thing I used to read and roll my eyes at. Yet if you want different from what you’ve already had (which is probably why you are here), then it really is as simple as showing up for what you want and being and demonstrating in yourself what you want from the other person.
It’s okay to want clarity, it’s okay to not settle for uncertainty at the risk of “scaring them off and coming on too heavy.” So much of the content I write about and the coaching calls I have and the questions I answer come from people wanting answers to questions they already have.
So much is about a feeling of powerlessness and confusion and sitting in that corridor of uncertainty, wasting time and draining energy sources while waiting for answers or decisions from the other person.