Before I even try to answer the question of how long it takes to get over a breakup, let’s start with what we are really dealing with here.
Breakups are like death or addiction. ‘Heartbreak’ just sounds so wishy-washy.
Have you ever looked for answers on Google?
Go on the Internet to search how to get over someone, and you will be inundated with content, which is geared towards getting your ex back, being over him or her in X number of days (sometimes even instantly?!) and understanding THEM better.
Alongside that, there is usually some type of list of ways to look after yourself and ‘get through it’ and ‘get over them’ which may be well-meaning.
But they are often so vague to put into practice. They can leave you feeling EVEN MORE powerless to overcome the pain you are facing.
The search for answers
Often when we look online for direction, we’re already on the back foot. This is because we are looking at our own heartbreaking situations through reductive eyes as soon as we hit the search button on Google.
How do you get over your breakup when you have suggestions like this?
- Take the time to be kind to yourself
- Make sure you do some gentle exercise – the endorphins will help!
- Schedule time to spend time with friends
- Get a massage or have a long bath
- Cook yourself a healthy and nutritious meal
- Take a walk in nature
- If things get really hard, see a therapist
- Talk to people close to you about how you are feeling
Whilst I have no problem with any of these points, they really don’t put you on a path to getting over them.
My story with heartbreak
How did I end up here, writing this blog and advising you on how to get over a breakup?
Well, that cliché list above is a good starting point.
I ultimately believe that one of the most common experiences we all go through as humans is one of the least represented online and in real life.
I wanted to help you save your previous time, energy, and resources. Think of it as ‘I waded through the worst, best and (at times) utterly ridiculous methods and means to get over my heartbreak and breakups SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO’.
How did I overcome the challenges?
Some of the things I pride myself on the most are my resilience, assertiveness, empathy and problem-solving attitude. But I also have a lot of enthusiasm to improve or fix any issue or problem – seeing it as an interesting challenge.
It turned out NONE of these things work when it comes to getting over a breakup. And I’m certain that indulging in them the way that I did is why I stayed so stuck for so long.
My quest online and offline on ‘how to get over a breakup’ was at times embarrassing. But more often than not, it was redundant.
Fast-forward (or crawl-forward, at times) a few years and, actually, that ‘silver lining’ people kept telling me I would experience post-breakup/s came through my own realisation that *if* I was meant to go through all these experiences for a higher purpose, it was to come back around full-circle and teach those not to do what I did.
Ultimately, I want to show that breakup periods don’t have to be these draining, slow death sentences.
When breakups break you, what do you do?
A few years ago, I had such an extended run of bad luck in relationships. I really thought I was doomed and trapped in a never-ending cycle of heartbreak.
I also would silently curse anyone who told me that I would be better off. I would think that these people were just not meant to be, and that I would get lucky eventually. Please, just don’t…
This blog will never be about speedy timeframes, capping periods and when you will be over that other side of the wall.
My whole site is dedicated to giving back what I wish I had. This is true for both (1) how I would treat myself in getting over this period, and (2) what things genuinely DID help me in my journey to ‘get over my breakup’.
I am now able to see where I went so wrong trying to get over my breakup. I think if you are anything like me, searching online, then maybe you are doing the same.
What is actually going to help you get over your breakup?
Starting simply – less is more. But what you DO employ, make it count.
Think of it as how to start getting over someone. That’s a much more accurate goal.
I will never coach or write about anything that I didn’t do myself, which genuinely helped me. And (within reason), I will always stay clear of anything weird or woo-woo.
So, here is my list of 5 things that really helped me. I believe incorporating even a couple of them will fast-track you on your way to feeling better.
STEP 1 – STOP RESISTING THIS PAIN.
Breakups are MEANT TO HURT. There is a tremendous baseline of pain that accompanies any loss like this, regardless of whether your relationship was healthy or not.
Stripping it back to its human form, you suffered a great loss, and this pain you feel is entirely appropriate.
You know what doesn’t need to hurt more?
- Pacing, and a desperate worry about recovery times.
- Shame about why you feel this way, and not feeling able to talk about it.
- Fear about not being able to scale the wall of the pain.
- Comparison where you are 6 months down the line versus week 1.
Do you know how exhausting and depleting that is for an already fragile state of being?
I think of it as being a lot like throwing a load of murky dirt and rocks on top of a flower that is desperately trying to come out of the ground and reach the light.
Let the flower slowly wiggle its way upward free of external pressure and overloading.
It’ll take some time, but it’ll move a damn site faster if left to make its journey up. This is essentially the same as you experiencing and working through hard grief.
STEP 2 – START WITH REALISTIC SELF-TALK
I really wanted to like positive affirmations, but I couldn’t get there.
They actually made me feel irritated. And I felt I was wasting time and energy through acting and feeling like a big fake chanting away to myself.
Instead, replace positive affirmations with REALISTIC affirmations. I found them to be gentle, yet MUCH more effective than positive affirmations.
My personal starting affirmation was:
‘Even though I did not want this breakup, this is unfortunately where I am today. As much as I don’t have the energy, this is now going to have to start and end with me to get ‘over it’ and I do not need to do that today.’
There, you just acknowledged what has happened, that you know you will need to do some work. But that you don’t have to jump on a quick-recovery treadmill.
STEP 3 –REPLACE THE DESIRE TO UNDERSTAND WITH SELF-COMPASSION
Desperately trying to understand them, their behaviour and why this happened devoured hours of my time post-breakup, and I always felt worse afterwards.
The internet was ready and waiting for me to indulge in this habit. Hours would fly by, then I realised that whilst I had been looking online, they had probably been on a date, or drinking with friends or just ‘living’.
Our desire to understand following such pain is very human. But it doesn’t help us. Maybe you will find something that generates an ‘aha’ moment regarding your ex. But I found that feeling would fizzle quite rapidly afterwards, and I still felt rubbish.
Applying compassion to yourself
Self-compassion is a methodology I found to be tangible and practical. I personally loved reading Kristin Neff’s take on this very understandable and comforting topic.
There was nothing woo-woo about it. But every time I incorporated self-compassion in the way I spoke to and treated myself post-split, I felt like I just gave myself a much-needed break and hug.
Treating myself with self-compassion was observing that even though I felt like absolute death (in fact, death might have been preferable at certain points), I did not need to flip and become positive, happy, improved and over it.
Self-compassion is saying to yourself: ‘Even though I want to know why he/she did this, it’s just not that helpful right now and for me, feeling better and getting over them. I’m in the position I am in today because of a decision they made. There is no rush to get over it. Just for today, I am not going to analyse or pick apart what they did or who they are. I’m just going to give my mind a rest. It’s exhausting looking into him/her.’
STEP 4 – DO BREATHWORK.
I said I wouldn’t do weird or wacky and perhaps this might appear to be. But it’s actually a very physical and straight-forward action once you have the technique down.
Much like how I wanted to click with affirmations, I struggled with meditation. My mind was so distressed and turbulent, failing at meditation made me feel even worse.
When breathwork entered the scene, I felt like I found something exceptionally helpful, and I hope you do too.
You know the expression ‘when you’re going through hell keep going?’. Well, lie down on the floor and do this seemingly obscure breathing technique. You will likely hate it at first, but then your brain switches off, you go into a type of trance, you wake up and it’s like you spring cleaned your whole house and ran a marathon at the same time.
I call it the mental and heartbreak deep clean. The physical act of breathing and plugging my body and mind with oxygen and the ‘high’ I would feel was just so much more tangible, and I would cry BUCKETS after. Talk about a cathartic physical release to accompany the mental release.
We spend SO much time in our heads following a breakup. Switch the roles around, and plug into your body for an epic release using breathwork. I guarantee something will move.
STEP 5 – CUT THE CONFUSION BY PICKING ONE REASON
Suppose your breakup was one which left you confused and agonised through not knowing why they left you. The desire to know WHY will add months to your recovery time. Guaranteed.
Easier said than done, I know, but try to focus and settle on one reason for why this relationship ended – even if you don’t understand it. I have found that even if an ex gives an explicit reason for why they left, your frantic and stricken mind can make new meaning out of it. Don’t.
If you haven’t been given any clarity or reasoning for why, take that lack of reason as your answer and an indication of their emotional unavailability. Your reason might be ‘I’ll never know, but the answer lies in his lack of anything, and here I am’.
You might feel like you pulled a short straw with this conclusion. But you actually haven’t.
We all end up in the same situation regardless of the answer here. And it always will start and end with YOU being your own source of strength and power to get through this.
Don’t add chaos and confusion to your breakup recovery by desperately seeking a reason and needing that reason to be the starting point for you to get over the breakup and move forward.
You don’t need shi* from them if this is the position you have found yourself in today. (You’re also in great company).
REMEMBER THIS
I have been so far in the trenches of heartbreak that I genuinely didn’t think I could ever recover. The other day, I actually couldn’t even remember his full name.
Wherever you are now, maybe you just need to read that one more time. How you FEEL today or months down the line is not going to last. But how you handle yourself during this time and what you do with this time can be so defining.
I hope this blog helps you. Remember, you don’t need anyone or anything to get you out of this place you find yourself in. You need to stop struggling and be your own champion to get you through this.
If you need further and more personalised help with your relationship, feel free to reach out to talk.