The agony of a broken heart after a breakup takes time, self-discipline and consistent effort to work through and make it to the much-longed-for other side of feeling better.
Nothing can kick you backwards further than finding out answers to your dreaded question of, ‘Is my ex rebounding?’.
We all know that crashing pain in our stomach that hits when we come across the news that he is.
I want to talk about what your ex-rebounding looks like with signs to look for. What I also want to express to you is that, much like how he ignored you after your breakup, you need to acknowledge that these actions are about him and not you.
I know that reads very cliche – you’ve heard that expression so many times. Yet, it’s important for you to understand that ‘rebounding’ (moving on suddenly and often unexpectedly with another person after a breakup) is about a person’s inability to either face your pain or their own.
Did he leave you in a terrible state? Did he behave appallingly? Could he just not commit and sloped off?
Did he actually break up with you quite ‘nicely’ and generally behave decently throughout the ending?
Answering yes to any of these questions shows that regardless of how a relationship ended, some people just need to get quickly onto someone else. Why?
What counts as a rebound relationship?
A rebound relationship is a romantic and/or sexual relationship that someone jumps into very quickly after a meaningful breakup. This is usually before they have fully processed the emotions, pain and issues from their previous relationship with you.
Jumping into a rebound relationship is typically seen as a way for someone to avoid pain and loneliness. Or it could be them trying to distract themselves from unresolved feelings.
If there’s any definition of rebound relationships that can make you feel better, it’s re-reading that sentence.
Rebound relationships (and the new person they are with) have nothing to do with you and you not being ‘enough’. It’s about a void of pain and needing a quick person to fill it.
Change your perspective
How often have you heard people say that they actually feel sorry for the ‘rebound’?
That person is possibly going in whole, not knowing they are actually just being used by the recently single rebounder as a band-aid for their emotional pain. It’s a messy business all round, and nobody comes out winning.
I remember after a devastating breakup, that time felt like it was going so slowly, and my pain was going nowhere.
In reality, it had been no time at all. But when my colleague suggested I go on a date with their friend, I felt the first flash of hope and excitement in weeks.
It was INSTANT and like a jolt of something alive going through me again – I was the ex rebounding!
The weeks that followed with him were distracting, exciting and also laden with sadness. And when there were slow moments, memories of my ex snuck in.
No gym class or walk or holiday will hit in quite the same way that the dopamine rush of a rebound will after a painful breakup.
The problem is the collateral damage that accumulates along the way with rebounding– eventually, your craving for this other person fades, there’s another set of newly hurt feelings in the mix, and you haven’t gained much progress in overcoming the pain of your breakup (in fact it’s grown legs since you put it on the back burner).
How quickly did they move on?
Behaving with empathy, decorum and general decency after a breakup is what we all hope to receive (or give) during a breakup. It can, therefore, be absolutely devastating when you see your ex rebounding so quickly – what signs were there to look for?
Someone moving on very quickly is a hard pill to swallow, but it ultimately stops your vulnerable, broken-hearted thoughts from going into fantasyland about reunions in the future.
The clue is in the name with ‘rebounding’ – it gives the image of a quick, sudden and knee-jerk reaction – not a thought-out involvement.
Your ex rebounding so quickly is him telling himself and you that he is incapable of sitting with any of the pain he’s feeling by diving in with a new person.
Do they normally jump between relationships?
I think of rebounding as like hanging onto monkey bars. You don’t want to drop hard to the ground, and the way of doing that is by swinging onto another bar when your arms ache and pull and long to let go.
The reality is that your arms will get more and more strained, and the longer you’ve been off the hard ground, the more fearful you are to hit it.
This is why people jump between relationships with barely a pause sometimes – the hard ground and landing is like the painful sea of emotions following a breakup, and in this case, they’re adding more pain to the pot with the people they are hurting along the way.
I think we all know someone who is in consecutive relationships – often lining the next one up before the first is officially over. That total fear of facing and feeling the genuine grief of a breakup can send the strongest person running for the hills to avoid feeling it.
Are they showing off their new partner?
Of all the painful thoughts we think following a breakup, ‘is my ex rebounding?‘ running through your head is one of the worst. It’s common to ask yourself why on earth he would inflict this on you and show off his new partner.
Relationships and breakups are loaded with questionable behaviour. And if your ex is showing off his new partner, I want you to dig in as deeply as you can and see this for what it is – insecurity in action.
Your ex rebounding and showing off his new catch is the definition of that.
Highlighting the new person in his life is saying to society that he’s not hurt, he’s better, he’s capable, he’s attractive to someone, and he’s not beaten. How much of that do you think is genuine and sincere?
Why do rebound relationships normally fail?
Think back to the monkey bars – each new person he accumulates on the climb is a stepping link. And something he can use to temporarily hang onto before his arm tires.
We all know the rebound girl. And we have probably all been the rebound girl (unknowingly or not), and it HURTS.
When you are the ex, and you see him in a rebound relationship, you feel envy and jealousy of her getting to be with him.
When you are the rebound girl, and you see pictures of him with his ex, you feel paranoid that he’s not over her. And you’re a temporary stopgap despite him reassuring you he’s ‘totally over it’.
How often have you been with someone who assured you he was done? Or who even told you all about his ex and how happy he was that he was out and how much he liked you, only to be told 48 hours later out of the blue that he is not, in fact, over it?
Lack of emotional closure
You can’t fully embrace a new person and a new relationship whilst still holding on to your old pain and feelings. Instead, you can only temporarily rest there for a while.
Emotional closure, taking stock of the relationship, and the time you spent with your ex are crucial for moving on and having a chance at a healthy new relationship in the future.
I’m a firm believer that we all learn something from someone – even if the experience was terrible. The epitome of poor emotional closure is your ex rebounding quickly.
Unrealistic expectations
Imagine all the pain you feel after a breakup – picture putting each feeling and emotion into a heavy box, then dropping it in a big container.
Keep adding and adding them into the big container. And then, hand it to the new partner and expect them not to bend and drop.
That is the equivalent of your ex rebounding, turning up to his new ‘rebound person’ and expecting them to hold all their baggage for them temporarily.
They’re using them as a coping tool
As mentioned earlier, we’ve likely all experienced being the ‘rebound girl’ at some point. And it’s not something I’d ever want to face again.
The pain of getting emotionally invested with someone who professes to be over their ex, only to find out that you’ve been used as a type of emotional security blanket for them and their pain is awful.
Don’t envy them and your ex being together.
What it all means for you
As you’ll see me write quite often, the answer is in your question. ‘Is my ex rebounding?’ is actually not a question about him. It’s about YOU and what you hold in comparison to him.
Quiet dignity, moving through your grief and keeping a private life whilst doing so is a breakup superpower. Collateral damage, new people and multiple hurt for all parties involved are the opposite of that. And something your ex is accumulating along the way. Ultimately, life will end up being harder for him because of this.
You already have more power than you think but have reduced yourself to feeling inferior because he is ‘moving on’ so quickly. He’s not, but you are.
I’m always here to help – you’ve got this!
Georgie x