I think one of the hardest things about a breakup is that often, the person who has ended the relationship then appears to turn into someone we barely even feel we know.
How did we spend months or years with someone who we thought was kind, funny, warm and empathetic, only for them to have now combusted into a cold and emotionally new version of themselves?
As if the breakup and the loss of the relationship isn’t painful enough, you now have to contend with trying to understand a person you no longer recognise.
It is not an exaggeration for you to say at this point, ‘I feel like I barely even know who he is right now’.
So, why do guys act cold after a breakup?
Whilst the list is not exhaustive, it’s my hope that by reading through the reasoning of their behaviour that you will see none of this is about you.
When guys act cold after a breakup, it is indicative of either their inability to face you and the pain they have left behind or their almost business-like decision that the relationship (like the business deal) is done and further time spent on it in any form is null and void.
Let’s break down the reasons why guys go cold after a breakup and examine the best approaches for YOU to take this knowledge forward for your own healing and recovery.
Does a breakup change people?
I’m actually a big believer that people don’t change, but rather, they unfold.
We like to think in a relationship that we have seen all sides of the person but in reality, we have not.
Sometimes, the first red flag or unfavourable personality trait you see in your partner (or soon-to-be ex-partner) is when they are leaving the relationship and how they are choosing to do it. That’s an extremely tough experience to go through and synonymous with blindsiding breakups.
You struggling to understand their behaviour and how they have now suddenly changed after the breakup is not actually a change in their whole personality like you think it is.
Rather, it’s a revealing and an unfolding of another part of their selves – and in the case of guys going cold, it’s revealing an inability they hold to face you and your pain head-on.
Reasons why guys act cold after a breakup
We all like to think that after a breakup, we will behave decently and with kindness, empathy and maturity – putting the other person’s feelings, pain and emotions front and center.
If they caused the breakup and their feelings changed, we already know they are sitting on the better side of the table for the amount of pain they will suffer after the breakup.
We imagine that because we’re the ones about to take the huge emotional hit that they will KNOW this and endeavor to treat us kindly and with a level of ongoing respect and fair communication.
The reality is that when faced with such pain in the departing partner, they can’t.
Imagine making the heart-wrenching decision to end an engagement, for example. You know in your heart that this person you’ve spent five years with is just not the right person – yes, they have lovely traits, but the bad ones make them an unsuitable partner for YOU for LIFE.
You know the relatives will hate you, the wedding costs will be lost, and their friend group will trash-talk you for years to come. Yet, you must do it.
Knowing someone is in pain is the worst feeling in the world – especially if you yourself are emotionally mature and have empathetic bones in your own body. Knowing that YOU inflicted the pain is even worse.
Let’s look at two types of people…
- He is emotionally mature and has empathetic bones in his own body.
He knows he inflicted this pain on you, and he hates it, but he also knows that he is done with the relationship and keeping any form of correspondence going with you is keeping it (and your hope) alive in the smallest form.
To move on, he needs to kill that off for you – he reads it as ‘cruel to be kind’, and you read it as going cold.
- He is emotionally immature, and the thought of dealing with you makes him embarrassed or afraid.
He needs to cut, run and go cold to avoid thinking about it himself, thinking about his actions that led to the relationship ending and thinking about you and what he’s left you with. Facing it is too big and too painful.
He has avoidant attachment issues
There has been a LOT of talk over the years about attachment issues.
I started really hearing about this during Covid when a very popular book gained traction.
Much like ‘love languages’ being a new buzzword, I don’t pay too much attention to this theory as a whole and applying a total principal theory to one person, but I do think it can be useful in part.
Ultimately, you have people in life who will face up to uncomfortable situations in life with maturity, pragmaticism and kindness, and you have people in life who can think of nothing worse, know they won’t be getting back with that person, and will forever cringe at the thought of any type of conversation around it so they avoid.
Chances are that your ex is in bracket 2. Maybe he faces up to the most challenging business issues or can deal with things like his awful mother’s behaviour, but he just can’t do the same in a romantic relationship.
He feels emotionally overloaded
Think back to your own breakups, particularly the ones where YOU did the dumping.
I remember thinking I would feel massive relief when it was done and I had ended it, but the reality could not have been different. I felt grief-stricken, guilty and very lonely.
The thought of having to deal with his own grief and confusion and questions over the relationship was too much. I felt I’d given my clear reasons as to why I was ending it and that there was no ‘ambiguity’ left for him to mull over or keep rehashing.
Clearly, he didn’t feel the same way, but in my mind I was done, and it was the ‘cruel to be kind’ thing to ignore him beyond that.
He thinks you’ll always be there
Relationships and breakups can be reduced to power plays and who are the ‘winner’ and the ‘loser’ in the breakup. Chances are if he broke up with you, one of you would feel less powerful than the other.
If you feel in a position of power and like you made all the decisions for the (unwanted on their side) ending, then you hold the keys to reigniting it if you want. Perhaps, at a time that suits you. Your ex might be doing this right now and is ignoring you because he knows you’ll always be there, waiting.
He’s already moved on
My heart goes out to anyone going through this, as I truly think it is one of the most hideous parts of a breakup.
Often, guys act cold after a breakup because they have already moved on.
Whether he cheated, had a new interest lined up or cannot face living a day in breakup land and needs to dive straight into something new to avoid facing it, this is a common reason why.
He’s holding a grudge
For whatever reasons caused the relationship to end, holding a grudge can be a common outcome.
Think of the grudge like a huge wedge in a door, keeping it firmly held shut as you hover on the other side.
The grudge keeps it stuck and the distance firm – only he can remove the door stopper, and you need to recognise that is for him to do.
He’s detached from the situation
The state of detachment is one that is praised a lot in society – detaching from painful feelings, emotions, people, situations.
Removing yourself from your pain source (whatever that is) is something you must choose to do – actively or otherwise. Your ex may well have detached from you and your relationship because it was the right thing for them to do, and it’s the way they want to go forward.
He’s avoiding being vulnerable
Do you know what? It is so much easier to trade the pain of a breakup for short-term satisfaction in a variety of forms.
The breakups where you take stock of what happened, have difficult and confronting conversations with your ex and face up to some very uncomfortable truths can be incredibly draining and painful to experience.
Avoiding it entirely by putting your blinkers on and going cold on your ex is a lot easier to do.
He doesn’t want to stay friends
I’m not a believer in needing to stay friends with an ex. Why? Because for me, friendships are based on consistency, loyalty, kindness and shared values.
Maybe your ex doesn’t see those qualities in you that he wants to keep in a friendship form, or maybe he thinks ‘friendship’ is another version of keeping you and him alive, and it is something he just doesn’t want in any form.
He feels guilty
Your ex might have done the emotional equivalent of hiding in a bush, watching as you trip and faceplant over the wire he planted on the ground. That tripwire is the breakup, and he instigated and launched it, he’s responsible for your pain in that moment, and his guilt prevents him from comforting you.
Your pain source cannot be the same thing that heals you.
He’s trying to set new boundaries
What is good for us doesn’t always feel right.
We instinctively know this, but the pain is so real. Much like addiction, reaching out to your pain source (an ex) during a breakup can be the equivalent of reaching for your drug of choice – boundaries and new routines help minimise that reach, and he might be instilling that in himself.
He’s in a new relationship
We all want to be the one who moves on first, the one who takes the lesser hit of emotional pain after a breakup.
Being in a new relationship can be a surefire way of avoiding both his pain and yours – whether he genuinely moved on for good reasons or not.
He still loves you but can’t handle it
I think many of us have heard the expression, ‘Sometimes love is not enough’.
You know what? Love is one thing, but commitment and consistency are another. For whatever reason, your ex cannot put the other two key factors in place to make the relationship work, and going cold after the breakup is his way of demonstrating that he cannot handle it.
Does every guy act cold after a breakup?
Not every guy will act cold after a breakup. Some will compensate for their guilt at hurting you by being on call day and night to answer any and all questions that you might have in the hopes of alleviating your pain.
I recall reaching the end of my communication tether when an ex kept contacting me about some socks I had left at his house and when could I go and collect them? It really was the time to go cold and stop any and all communication!
Others may keep a level of civil communication in place with the hope of it helping end it as peacefully as possible for both of you.
In saying that, I receive a huge number of emails from readers asking about this topic, which would indicate that, more often than not, people are unable to maintain a warm front with an ex.
When will he stop acting so cold?
Think of the thaw following a freeze – temperatures need to rise again, and that takes TIME.
Unless your ex is emotionally bankrupt, both sides of the party take a hit in a breakup and despite it looking like the choice was all his, he wanted out, and he shouldn’t feel any pain because he chose it, he needs to recover too.
His being cold can be him being in his recovery state, and you need to go into yours.
How to get your ex to warm up to you again
It’s a topic you’ve likely heard of and which probably makes you roll your eyes, but it’s valid for a reason. Two words – No Contact.
If your ex has gone cold, the conditions will only ‘warm’ up through the thing you can control – your own behaviour.
Space, distance, silence and emotional dignity are the equivalent of you turning up the heat in a cold room after a breakup.
Why do guys act cold after a breakup FAQs
I get asked these questions on a near daily basis and hope my answers will stop you from trawling online and being fed unhelpful advice.
How long does it take a guy to realise he wants you back?
You can’t miss what hasn’t gone, and if any relationship stands a chance at a successful second chance, then I believe things must be different.
For him to realise he wants you back, the things that broke you up in the first place need to have shifted and moved to a higher state. It’s very common to miss your ex after a breakup, even if it was awful – yet, genuinely wanting someone back means the reason you ended must have changed. That takes time.
Why do men give the silent treatment?
You’ve likely heard the phrase ‘dignified silence’.
Sometimes, this applies to exes and breakups, but in the context of this topic and blog post, we’re mostly referring to cold, unfair and baffling freezing out following a breakup.
In its simplest form, it is showing an inability to meet you where you are in your pain, your frustration and your confusion. They may have been largely responsible for causing it, and staying clear of it means they are not thrust into that pain space with you.
What makes a man miss a woman after a breakup?
Missing you means missing the best bits of you, not the worst things that may have contributed toward the ending or are in place during the breakup.
Exhibit those things I’ve listed above, and it’s the best starting point.
What to takeaway
I’ve listed the points here about what makes a man miss a woman after a breakup. But you know what? Answers to any and all of these points ultimately boil back to one key takeaway which is this: the relationship has ended, and you are on your own now.
You are asking any or all of these questions because you want to gain answers and you want to feel better – and who can blame you?!
Where we hold ourselves back hugely after a breakup is through thinking that if we can figure out the answer to any of these questions above, then it will suddenly make us feel like we have the key to open the door to feeling better after the breakup.
The answers to your wondering why guys act cold after a breakup is, by and large, simple – they either cannot (through their own emotional immaturity or fear) or they will not (because they consider it done, and prolonging any further communication with you in any form is keeping it alive).
For whatever reason, they have chosen to exit the relationship, and you prolong your pain by seeking out multiple answers to one quite simple scenario – get your head around this, and you cut your breakup recovery time substantially.
You can provide yourself with all the comfort and kindness that you need by reminding yourself of the fact that a breakup is a death and the recovery is grief, and you can move through both.
Georgina x